


Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Dancing To (And Living By) The Oldies [21]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: First Meetings, Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Male Friendship, Orange Space Spiders, Pre-Relationship, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Ranting McCoy, Soothing Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-20 18:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17627282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: McCoy and Spock didn't get on the right foot when they met. In fact McCoy was downright jealous of Spock's abilities and thought that Spock was invading his territory. Not even Jim Kirk was having much luck in trying to get McCoy to change his thinking about Spock.  And then McCoy had a rude come-uppance.Appeared in Spiced Peaches LV.





	Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)" from "Annie Get Your Gun"
> 
> William Shatner, among other greats, is guest-starring on "The Big Bang Theory" tonight! It will be a star-studded evening!

Leonard McCoy's delight was apparent when he looked up and recognized an old friend grinning at him. In fact, McCoy's eyes lit up like it was his birthday and Christmas all rolled up into one. “Jim Kirk, you old space dog! How you been?!” McCoy demanded as he slapped Kirk’s shoulder.

Kirk's pleasure matched McCoy's as he greeted his friend and roomie from Academy days. “Great, Bones! And yourself?”

“Just hanging around until my new assignment comes through.”

“How about serving on the Enterprise? With me?”

McCoy eyes blazed with interest. “Sounds like a dream job! We’ll have all kinds of adventures together! Just think of it! The Fearsome Duo back together again! The universe will never be the same! But who’s gonna be in command, though? It could be some ball-breaker too damn cocky for his own good.”

“I plan to be.”

“You?!” McCoy’s eyes enlarged. “You got the Enterprise?!”

“I said I’d take it only on condition I got you as my Chief Medical Officer.”

Kirk’s assuming his easy compliance wrangled McCoy. Sometimes it’s a little deflating to know that other people think that a person is so easily swayed and loyal. “Play your cards pretty close to your chest, don’t you, Kirk? Never said a word. Never hinted. Never mentioned it in passing even.” McCoy tried to look tough. “What if I say no? Then you’re out of a command.”

“I like to take big chances, Bones. Besides, I think I’m betting on a sure thing. You’ll go with me because you can’t do anything else. Besides, you’d never rest unless you know that I’m okay when I’m flying around out there in space. You gotta be someplace close so you can keep a worried eye on me.”

McCoy gave up in exasperation. “Hell, you know me too well, Jim! Yeah, somebody has to trail behind you and put the pieces back together again when you do something stupid and get yourself hurt. And that someone might as well be me!”

McCoy slapped him on the arm. “Great! I even ask Command to let me tell you about your assignment. I wanted to see the look on your face.”

“I hope it was worthwhile,” McCoy muttered while trying to look pissed off.

Kirk gave McCoy a personal smile and gently cupped McCoy’s cheek in his hand. All of the warmth for McCoy that was hidden in Kirk's heart reflected in his eyes. “You are always worthwhile to me, Bones.”

McCoy didn't have a chance when Kirk looked at him that way, and Kirk knew it. McCoy sighed and turned away in disgust with himself. He knew that he had just melted all over the place and hadn’t done a very good job of hiding the fact. Why should he deny it? He was a Kirk fan, even if the guy drove him crazy sometimes and took too many chances.

“That said," Kirk continued, "I want you to meet someone, Bones.”

McCoy turned back with interest. He’d barely noticed the man with Kirk. Some alien, he’d decided as his eyes had quickly returned to Kirk when they’d first met.

McCoy took a second look now at the stiff looking guy standing beside Kirk. Vulcan, he decided. Or maybe robot.

“This is Mr. Spock.”

Not a robot then. Definitely Vulcan with those pointed ears and green tinted skin. And robots couldn't act like they'd been constipated for three days. And this guy could definitely be.

McCoy and Spock sized each other up. McCoy nodded briskly. Spock didn’t even blink. An unspoken animosity chilled the air between them.

“Mr. Spock is our First Officer, Bones. And my good friend.”

McCoy took a second ‘second look.’ 

Oh, THAT Vulcan.

McCoy remembered hearing that Kirk had a Vulcan friend. He wondered how they'd managed to find each other.

In the meantime, Spock gave McCoy a look that could only be interpreted as condescending. Apparently, Spock had heard of McCoy, too. And Spock was about as impressed as McCoy had been with him.

Then there came a Vulcan smirk.

Forget the constipation! This guy had a problem that was more permanent. He acted like he had a steel rod up his backside instead of a spine that bent.

McCoy wondered what the attraction between Kirk and Spock was. Talk about opposites! Kirk must owe him his life, or something really important like that. McCoy couldn’t see any other appeal about the poker-faced Vulcan. It wasn’t exactly that Kirk was keeping the guy around for laughs.

“I hope that we may have a worthwhile experience serving together, Dr. McCoy,” Spock told him.

Great! The guy not only looks like a robot, he talks like one!

“I am certain that we shall, Mr. Spock.” If the guy could sound like a prissy jerk, so could McCoy. Already McCoy could tell that Spock was going to affect him and maybe not in a good way. But he would try to get along because he did not want to disappoint Jim Kirk. 

 

Kirk walked into sickbay. “I’d like a word, Bones.”

“Sure, Jim, just let me put this medicine away,” McCoy muttered absently as he rearranged bottles in a cabinet.

“Officially.”

McCoy forgot what he was doing and focused completely on his commanding officer. “Of course, Captain.”

Kirk deflated. “Not that officially.”

McCoy visibly relaxed. “Sorry. Makes it tough on both of us, doesn’t it? This friendship thing between us.”

“And it doesn’t have to. I think that part of the problem is this pissing contest problem that you seem to be having with Mr. Spock.”

“He started it,” McCoy mumbled as he tried to look over his stock of medicine. His face looked pretty determined.

“No, he didn’t!”

McCoy’s eyes snapped back to Kirk.

“You did, damn it! And I don’t know why!”

McCoy grimaced. Kirk deserved to know something that McCoy couldn’t really explain.

“He gets under my skin.”

“I know that much.”

McCoy shrugged. “Call it a personality clash, I suppose.” Then he smirked. “Hell, the guy would have to have a personality for me to clash with it, though, wouldn’t he?”

“He’s got a personality, Bones. You just haven’t taken the time to discover it.”

“Little bit busy here with doctoring stuff. I didn’t sign on to be a guidance counselor, too, for any strays that happened to be hanging around.”

“No, but you did sign on to help me.”

“You’ve got it.”

“But part of being helpful to me is to give me the opposing side of Spock’s arguments.”

“Thought I’d been doing that.”

“To the extent that your viewpoint is constructive! You ain’t being constructive, Bones!”

“And he has been?! Since when is the viewpoint of a machine of any value to you?!”

“Since it’s making more sense than an irrational romantic’s!”

McCoy blinked. “Now I’m a sob-sister?”

“I know that’s extreme. But so is the ‘machine’ crack you made about him.”

“I haven’t had too much evidence to contradict that opinion.”

Kirk rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you haven’t. And I feel partly responsible for that.”

“Partly?”

“Okay. A whole lot responsible. I think I set up the introduction between you two as a contest. No wonder you’re jealous of him.”

“Jealous?! You think I’m jealous?! Every time I turn around, he’s underfoot. In my sickbay. In my labs. With my best friend! That’s all my territory!” 

“Bones, you gotta learn to share.”

“I don’t know if I wanna share you.”

“You don’t mind all the women around me.”

“They’re not after your heart, the way he is.”

“You gotta remember that I’m after his heart, too,” Kirk said softly. “He’s a good person, Bones. Please try to find a way to get along with him. Otherwise, this is going to be an awfully long five years in space.”

“Don’t I know it!” McCoy snarled.

Kirk gave McCoy a warm smile. “I knew you’d see it my way, Bones. Thanks.”

“Thanks?! Thanks for what?” McCoy snarled as Kirk walked away grinning.

 

“As long as you know so much about doctoring, why aren’t you the C.M.O. here instead of me?!” McCoy snapped, ignoring his own rule of not letting the uppity alien get to him. It wasn’t because Spock was alien; it was because he seemed so damn smug. McCoy would like to bring him down a peg just so the guy would seem at least a little human.

“I prefer to be on the Bridge,” Spock answered, either not recognizing or choosing not to acknowledge McCoy’s wrath. “But I thought that my having medical expertise would increase the survival rate of the crew at some point.”

“Quite true. There may come the day that I am rendered unconscious. Then you may race forward and save us all from annihilation. I am certain that you will be able to perform brilliantly.”

Spock blinked. Good! At least he wasn’t so stupid that he missed when someone had deliberately insulted him. Odd, though, it did not make McCoy feel as victorious as he thought it would.

“Just, just stay outa my sickbay unless you’re invited,” McCoy mumbled. “And my labs,” he added as an afterthought. He’d remembered seeing Spock bent over some experiment long after his shift was over. Damn guy had to be an overachiever, too!

But that last part of McCoy's declaration must’ve reminded Spock of something, also, for he straightened his shoulders with purpose.

“I am also the Science Officer, Dr. McCoy,” Spock carefully explained as if he thought that McCoy had trouble understanding him. And he must be, otherwise Spock would not be so careful and pointed with his words. “That is why you will be sharing the laboratories with me.”

McCoy was silently commanding himself to hold his temper, but he wasn’t appreciating this tongue-lashing that he was receiving in regards to ‘his’ labs. It wasn’t as if the Vulcan was yelling at him. No, this was worse. Contempt seemed to drip off Spock’s words and his voice was slightly mocking.

McCoy would like to knock the guy off his high perch. The guy was in bad need of it.

“Any other instructions?” McCoy snipped. He had tried for the same amount of condescension that Spock had used, but feared he would simply sound querulous instead. McCoy hated that he’d brought himself down to this level of pettiness.

Spock’s eyes narrowed. He looked like McCoy’s salvo had actually caused him pain.

“No, no, that is all,” Spock mumbled and turned to walk slowly away.

McCoy felt like he’d stepped in something that needed to be gotten off his shoes. But now the smelly substance was all over him, especially on his face. He figured it would take him awhile to ever get clean from that feeling again. Or to forget the wounded look in Spock's dark eyes.

 

So they entered a sort of stalemate with Spock lurking around, knowing his presence really wasn't wanted by McCoy, while McCoy felt justified yet guilty that Spock was acting that way. McCoy seemed to feel Spock's hurt feelings, but that still didn't stop McCoy from ostracizing Spock. And that happened even during a crisis.

“What the hell are you doing in here?!” McCoy bellowed at Spock. “Why aren’t you on the Bridge helping fly this ship outa this damn sticky spider web?! I personally don't like the idea of being the potential lunch for some damned spider!”

Aliens that looked like orange spiders were crawling all over the inside of the Enterprise, and McCoy was having a terrible time keeping them out of sickbay. He was being testy by taking it out on Spock who was not responsible for the orange spider invasion at all. But Spock was going to get to feel the extent of McCoy's ire on the matter.

“The Captain thought that you might need some help,” Spock explained as he stomped on a cluster of spiders near McCoy. Orange stains were all over their blue and black uniforms.

"Only if you've got some sort of vacuum cleaner for sucking up these little orange bastards and getting them outa my hair," McCoy muttered. "Or you might placate some of the nurses. All I can get outa some of them are screams. That doesn't help much in sickbay."

"I expect that the only thing that will help soothe nerves is the thorough eradication of the spiders."

“That about covers it. Damn bastards! They’re only about five inches high,” McCoy said as he swatted at spiders. “But there’s a lot of the little bastards. It’ll take a month to get this mess cleaned up,” he muttered, looking around his usually clean sickbay. “I’ll never like the color orange again.”

“Have there been any medical problems?”

“You mean, outside of half the women on this ship and a few of the guys having fits because of the fact that there’s orange spiders everywhere? No.”

“Nobody has been bitten?”

McCoy looked down at his own swollen hand as if seeing its sorry state for the first time. “Just me, I guess.”

Spock frowned. “Do you have an antidote?”

“Don’t have a clue," McCoy answered airily with a devil-may-care look on his face. "I hadn’t gotten that far yet. Been too busy with other things.”

Spock was troubled by McCoy's nonchalance and lack of concern for his own injury. “Doctor, the physician is not much good to his patients if he himself is incapacitated by the malady. You must be treated, or your wound might prove fatal.”

“Hell, wonder why I’ve never thought about that,” McCoy murmured. He should’ve been more excited. Maybe lethargy was a symptom of the bite from an orange spider. Whatever, he wasn’t too concerned about a set of circumstances that might well result in his own death. 

Prudence told McCoy that he should be more agitated. But he was choosing not to listen to Prudence, or anyone else at the moment. And that trait really seemed to be bothering the Vulcan. Maybe that was why it wasn’t concerning McCoy. He’d finally found something that could ruffle Spock. And that pleased McCoy to no end.

And to prove his point, he gave Spock a lazy grin.

Spock’s dark eyes snapped with the most emotion McCoy had ever seen in them. “Doctor, sometimes you can be very vexing. You need to be more worried about your welfare.”

That was why McCoy was not any more excited than he was. Spock was being that way enough for both of them. He seemed to be very concerned about McCoy's medical emergency. In fact, Spock looked like he could lay an egg.

And that prospect made McCoy giggle.

“Doctor, you are acting intoxicated!”

McCoy winked and hammered a pointed finger into Spock’s chest. “Cheapest drunk I’ve ever been on, too! And I didn’t even have the pleasure of swallowing the liquor! Now you not only have to find a cure for the spider bite, you have to sober me up!” He got a lost, bewildered look on his face as he put a shaky hand to his forehead. "Because suddenly I, I think that I'm gonna be needing your help. Now!" And with that, he collapsed into Spock’s arms.

“Mr. Spock, what is wrong with Dr. McCoy?!” Chapel demanded as Spock solemnly scooped McCoy up into his arms and headed for a private room.

“That is what I intend to find out, Nurse,” Spock muttered as he passed her. “I will need some help here.”

“Yes, Doctor,” she said automatically, then stopped and stared at Spock.

Spock likewise stopped and stared. He had managed to usurp McCoy’s place completely.

 

The first thing that McCoy saw when he opened his eyes was Kirk’s face with a smile of relief on it.

“I must’ve missed something,” McCoy muttered. “You weren’t here the last I remember.”

“That’s been awhile, Bones. You gave us quite a scare.”

“So did the orange spiders. Are the little bastards still around?”

“They gave up and went away. Scotty thinks that they had to go repair their web from the damage we did to it.”

“Well, at least it gave them something to do besides bothering us.” McCoy tried to lift his head, then moaned and lay down again. “That was a mistake.”

Kirk frowned. “Hurting?”

“Hang over. One of the worst I’ve ever had. And I’m a veteran of hangovers.”

“You gave us quite a fright, you know,” Kirk reprimanded him gently again.

McCoy studied him. “What do you mean?”

“There was no known cure for the bite from an orange weaver spider.”

“Yet here I am. Alive.”

“Because of Spock,” Kirk said as gently as he could.

McCoy frowned. “Eh?”

“You're alive because of Spock. He synthesized a serum from the spider venom.”

“Logical.”

“And your blood.”

McCoy frowned again. “Really?”

“And his blood.”

“What?!”

“Something about the mixture being a rainbow of colors.”

“That isn’t logical at all!”

“Yet here you are. Alive," Kirk mocked. "You probably would like to thank someone for that, I expect,” he continued gently. 

“Well, yeah. But I don’t see him around. Short attention span, I guess.”

“Wrong. He's finally getting some much needed sleep.”

“Eh?”

“He sat with you for three days. Would barely take a break.”

“Probably wanted to protect this serum.”

“Probably wanted to protect his patient, you mean. He only called me when there were signs that you were going to finally wake up.”

"Why didn't he stay?"

"Why do you think?"

McCoy frowned.

"Perhaps he thought that you should awaken to a friendly face?" Kirk prodded gently. "And that he figured that he wouldn't be it for you?"

McCoy acknowledged the guilt that he was feeling. “Okay,” he conceded in misery. “So I’m a louse. Nothing new there.”

“You don’t have to stay a louse, you know.”

“You sure are displaying a wide streak of ethics,” McCoy muttered.

“The curse of command. Diplomacy studies resonated in me. Kidding aside, Bones, you owe your life to Spock.”

“Yeah,” McCoy muttered. “I’m beginning to understand that.”

“I think that he won’t hold anything against you, if you want to be friends with the guy now.”

“He has every reason to believe that I’m a jerk,” McCoy said in misery.

“He once had every reason to believe that about me, too.”

McCoy stared at Kirk. “Really? You two didn’t hit it right off, either?”

“He was about as warm and fuzzy when he and I met as when I introduced you two. What do you think?”

“That I got a lot to make up for with the Vulcan.”

“One thing, Bones, he will make it easy on you. He isn’t vindictive. He’s had his share of sorrows and loneliness already. All he wants is a fair chance. Because he sure will be fair to you. I think you've already learned that you can trust him with your life.”

“The least I can do is meet him halfway then, isn’t it?” McCoy started to rise.

“Whoa! Whoa, there! You have to rest! You want me getting in trouble with your doctor for disturbing his patient?!”

“Scrappy little bastard then, is he?” McCoy felt a strange thrill of pride that Spock was that protective of him.

“He’s protective of both of us, Bones. There’s gotta be a pretty good reason for that, don’t you think? Just give him a chance. Okay?”

“I think that the question is if he will give me another chance.”

Kirk glanced up to see Spock approaching with eyes concerned only for his patient.

Kirk winked at McCoy. “Something tells me that he will.”

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines. I also do not own anything of the song "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better" or of the musical "Annie Get Your Gun."


End file.
